God Almighty, Aphrodite!

I started this novel when I was in 2nd year at university.   I had already studied quite a bit about ancient religions, and I would go on to study a lot more!   It was around this time that I discovered Terry Pratchett, and was greatly inspired by his stories.    So much so that I decided to try something a bit different with my own writing.  I began to create a story where the lines between reality and spirituality were blurred.  The idea of a series of books followed soon after – I was going to resurrect the ancient gods of Olympus!  I call this series: Return of the Olympians.  The first of these is entitled “God Almighty, Aphrodite!” and the following is an extract from this, still unfinished, book.

Return of the Olympians: God Almighty, Aphrodite!

“Well, I hope you’re satisfied,”  Aphrodite was spitting venom.  “Now she’s fallen in love…and she thinks it’s mutual!”

“I just get my orders.  The email came through with instructions that I was to take that image to her,”   Morpheus handed the piece of paper over to Aphrodite.

She grabbed it off him, “Yes, but it was a mistake.  Eros was…buggering about with the computer and…”

“Well, that’s computers for you,” Morpheus shrugged, his black hair glistening like velvet.  “I just did what it told me to do.”

“We’ll need to sort this mess out and quickly,” Aphrodite jumped to her feet.  “I’ll need to try to make him fall in love with her now.”

“Can’t do that,”  Eros interjected.

“Why not?”  Aphrodite scowled.  Sometimes he could be the biggest pain in the butt.

“Because the message doesn’t appear to want to go through.  Too much blocking his inbox,”  Eros replied, punching the laptop keyboard in front of him.

They were all sitting round a table, by the pool.  This was the advantage of not living in the mountains anymore.  They could do their work from home.  Whilst getting a sun tan…

“Are we talking about the same person?  Have you seen him?”  Aphrodite snarled.  “He’s gagging for it.”

“Oh, yes.  He’s up for the old..jiggy…jiggy…,” he lowered his voice.  “That’s all he’s up for, though.   He doesn’t…emm…”  Eros stammered.

“What?  Spit it out for Zeus’s sake!”  Her patience was wearing thin.

“Now don’t get upset Aph…remember Hippolytus?”

Aphrodite stared back in disbelief. “He doesn’t…like…sex?  He’s…gay?”

“Not quite…Umm…he doesn’t…believe in love.  Thinks it’s stupid.”

Eros could almost feel the ground shake under his feet as Aphrodite began to build up to a massive explosion.  “What?”  She said in a quiet voice that was as eerie as if she had bellowed it.  Her eye-lashes fluttered for a few seconds.

“It’s something you really need to check out nowadays before you start meddling,”  Morpheus broke the tension.

“Shut up,” Aphrodite snapped, still staring at Eros.

“I’ll just go then?” replied Morpheus.

Aphrodite looked, without saying a word.  No words were needed.  Morpheus scuttled off.   She paced back and forward, sat down again and tapped her fingers thoughtfully on the poolside table.  “Then we’ll just have to undo what we’ve started and find her someone else.  I’ll deal with him later.”

“Can’t be done,” Eros counteracted.

“Oh for f… Why not?”  she said, hands on hips.

“According to my recent findings, she’s quite happy to pretend that he loves her.  Saves her getting disappointed with another real relationship.  He won’t fall in love with her, but he does fancy her and he’s made that clear.  All the signals are getting mixed up.   It’ll take ages to sort out.”

Eros and Aphrodite went inside to cool down a bit.  Aphrodite’s palace was tastefully decorated in pink pastels.  She opened the door to her office and ushered him in.  Even her office was pink with silk drapes, pink filing cabinets and a big, pink leather swivel chair.  She grabbed the pink satin gown that was hanging behind the door, and covered up.

“Looks like the only thing we can do is get them on Lust.  They have a quickie, he breaks her heart, she finds someone else and they’re both over it within a few months,” Aphrodite nodded, decisively.

“Umm…” Eros raised a finger.

“What?!!”  She really wanted to scream now.

“She’s joined one of those silver-ring groups.”

“I have no idea what you just said.  Totally…” she motioned a hand skywards, “Whoop…  Over my head.  What’s that now?”  Her nose wrinkled in confusion.

“She’s an…umm…a Daughter of Artemis,” he said, finally.  “Well…not a proper one.  She’s promised to remain chaste until she’s with someone who loves her completely.  Only trouble is…she can’t meet that someone because she’s now convinced that that special “someone” is…Marcus…” Eros gulped, letting his words filter off.  He watched the goddess begin to fizz around the edges.

Her eyes narrowed,  “This is all your fault, Eros.  I’ll be having a word with Zeus about this, you know!”

She stormed out, leaving Eros to think about the whole situation.  “I love her when she’s angry,” he said, grinning.


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